


Of Fear and Cowards

by Mightybignein (Blueberryshortcake)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caduceus level introspection, Caleb typical issues, Gen, Introspection, episode 43 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 17:19:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16815061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueberryshortcake/pseuds/Mightybignein
Summary: Caduceus has been struggling with fear until the words of the Wild Mother finally reach his ears. He notices despite calling himself a coward, Caleb rarely shows fear.





	Of Fear and Cowards

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably just have a tag for me trying to figure out Caleb through Caduceus cause I've made a habit of it. 
> 
> Brief warning for mention of implied suicidal idealization or something sort of adjacent to it.

Caduceus sat at the top of the scorched crow’s nest of the Squall Eater. Strong steady wind buffeted against him, his long hair getting swept up skyward. The strong smell of the sea and burnt canvas, the sounds of creaking wood, a feeling.

The caress of sea air, a soft whisper in his ear. The Mother. For the first time in so long. Her sweet voice guiding his direction after so many months of silence in city and water. 

He smiled then a weight lifted off his shoulders. Dawn’s light reflected over the wide open ocean and for the first time since leaving he felt calm. Confident. Home. 

He looked down noticing Caleb on the decks, hand on one of the charred sides of the ship. 

-

“That was fast thinking.” Caduceus came up behind him. It was later in the day now. Orly was taking care of Navigations, Fjord was back to Captaining. 

Caleb remained still. 

“She knew, there was no point in pretending anymore.”

“Right,” Caduceus agreed. Waiting.

Caleb didn’t fill the silence. Leaned into it inelegantly. 

“It was a close call… but we’ve only had close calls so far.” Caduceus mused. He looked up at the blue sky. No birds. They were still far away from land. Plenty of fish in the sea, but they didn’t have much time for conversation, even with the slower ship. 

He had been swimming everyday that he could. During his time in the water, trying to force himself to acclimatize, knowing there was nothing to fear but fearing it anyway. He didn’t talk then, it was hard enough to breath, like Jester had told him to. 

Mr. Caleb was very good at breathing. 

When they had been discovered the wizard stepped forward, as if to place himself between them and the pirates and cast his spell without hesitation or fear. 

His heart was always so steady. 

Caduceus’ fingers trailed briefly over the peraphet. 

“Are you alright?” He asked because it was clear Caleb wouldn’t bring the subject up himself. Caleb looked up at him with surprise that wasn’t quite quick enough to be real. 

“Ja, of course,” His lips upturned, but there was no smile in his eyes. “We escaped. We are all alive.”

“You killed a lot of people doing that.” Caduceus held no judgement in his tone. Just a stated fact. He wasn’t concerned over lost lives of people trying to kill them. This was all in the Mother’s kingdom. Them and theirs were in danger. They would fight. That was nature. 

Caleb swallowed. His hands gripped the edge of the ship tightly. “They were trying to kill us, Mr. Clay.”

“I know that,” Clay reassured gently. He bent forward so that his eyes were more level with Caleb’s face. The human was actively not looking at him. “Mr. Caleb, you act like you’re afraid… but you’re not. Not really.”

“Not afraid?” There was the quietest tinge of incredulity. “Mr. Clay, I am a coward. I stand at the back and I--”

“But you’re not  _ afraid _ ,” Caduceus interjected. “I have felt… these last few months...I...huh…” He tried to form the words. “I have been afraid, Mr. Caleb. Truly afraid… and I have never really felt that before. I’ve been trying for weeks to remind myself that I shouldn’t be. My body hasn’t let me. I haven’t felt any sort of real courage until now.” 

Caleb frowned up at him. “I think you are very courageous. You have come to the unknown and have… stood very strong...and tall,” He added with a small smile. 

Caduceus chuckled. Nodded. “I am tall,” He admitted. “Comparatively.” 

“To me at least.”

“At least…” Caduceus let himself listen to the waves for a minute. “I was wondering… why you pretend that you’re a coward when you’re not.”

Caleb snorted. “I am one. It’s not an act.”

“You’re so steady,” Caduceus insisted. He wasn’t sure how to get to the heart of this. Mr. Caleb was so many layers. Pragmatism stacked ontop of a strange emotional fragility, with a hard shell of misdirection. . 

“I… maybe there is a difference between being afraid and being a coward then. But I do get afraid. I don’t want to die.” Caleb lied. No… it wasn’t a lie. It was a half lie. It made Caduceus’ fur bristle just a little. 

“I wanted to know if you were alright,” Caduceus shifted back to his first point. The actual reason he came to him. 

Caleb nodded. “Ja,” He said after a beat. “I’m fine. Those people were murderers...but they were still people.” Caleb relented just a little. “Killing them like that was not… death by burning isn’t a pretty sight to see. And neither is being the one that cast the spell. Good or bad.” Caleb inhaled quickly. “You can’t know in the moment.” He added quietly. “What is in someone’s heart. But them…  _ them  _ they deserved it.” 

What is in someone’s heart. 

Caduceus wondered what was in his, not for the first time. Caleb’s spirit was tortured by something. All the pieces were there, but Caduceus trusted instinct. He didn’t know how to decode Caleb’s past. He could only read him. See that he was not whole. See that while he might flee from damage he wasn’t afraid of it.

He was not afraid of death...in an unhealthy way. 

It didn’t make much sense. Caduceus mentally sighed. Death was natural. It wasn’t something to fear. Just to respect...and avoid until you can’t. Caleb was doing everything right, but for the wrong reasons. He was living for something that was not himself. A memory or moment. He was going to achieve things.

Well… Caduceus thought. You can’t achieve things when you’re dead. 

So the cowardly behavior … that was true. He had to protect the potential of something. But fear. No. Caleb was unshaking in the midst danger. It was only when people looked at him that his pulse quickened. When they came close and tried to understand him. So maybe he was afraid after all. 

“They were going to kill us. I don’t think deserving needs to factor in.” Caduceus said. 

“Right…”

Caduceus wanted to say… that he didn’t have to do that. Burn them, if it hurt him more than he already was. But that was … untrue. 

They wouldn’t have made it without the fire. 

They wouldn’t make it in the future without fire. He was oddly certain of that. 

So what could he say?

“We are here for you, Mr. Caleb.”

“I--thank you Caduceus--Mr. Clay.” 

He wanted to say more, but saying more would push his friend a bit farther than he could bear right now. 

“Mr. Clay?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you...for staying...for overcoming your fear.”

“Hah, well, you’re welcome. I think… things will start getting easier now, for all of us.” Caduceus lied. But it was a good lie. 

And the sky was so blue. 


End file.
